lawyer jokes
At Grahams Solicitors and Grahams Conveyancing, we do our best to ensure that we are not the subject of a lawyer joke by offering:
- Quick and friendly service
- Management that is accessible and approachable
- Advice that is professional and easy to understand
- Everything tailored to the needs of the client
- Expert legal advice
- Fixed fee conveyancing quotes
We hope that you enjoy the following humour. If you would like to share a lawyer joke with us, especially one with an Australian flavour, please e-mail us. We offer a free Will for any original jokes published on our web site. Click Here to contact us.
One Liners
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?
A: Your Honour
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge
It was so cold one July day in Melbourne that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!
Q: What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on a street?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog
Q: What's black and brown and looks great on lawyers?
A: Dobermans
Q: You are trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattle snake and a lawyer. Your gun has only two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a cement truck travelling at 80kms/hr?
A: Never enough
Quotes
Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: Thick skinned, short sighted and always ready to charge
David Mellor, British Conservative Politician
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth
Jean Giradoux
Don't be humble – you are not that great
Golda Meir
Yarns
A prominent young attorney is on his way to Court when he gets hit by a bus. Suddenly he finds himself at the Pearly Gates facing St Peter.
“This has to be a mistake!” exclaims the lawyer. “I am much too young to die! I'm only 35!”
St Peter replies, “Gee, that's funny. Based on the number of hours you have billed to clients, we thought you had to be at least 105!”
A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.
On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honour” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, “He's a crook! He's guilty! “. So Your Honour, I can not possibly stay on this jury!”
With a tired annoyance, the Judge replied “Get back in the jury box you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer”
Bob sat in his attorney's office.
“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.
“Give me the bad news first”
“Your wife found a picture worth half a million dollars”
“That's the bad news?”, asked Bob incredulously. “I can't wait to hear the terrible news”
“The terrible news is that it is of you and your secretary”
Three partners of a law firm were attending a conference at the Gold Coast. As the plane carried them to their destination, one of the partners gulped and told the second partner, “Oh my gosh, I forgot to lock the safe”.
The third partner said, “There's nothing to worry about. All three of us are here!”
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either driver. They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the Police on his mobile phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
“Aren't you also going to have a drink?”, the doctor says.
“After the Police get here”, replies the lawyer.
A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon announced, “Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “But before that God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine.”
The lawyer smirked and said, “Who do you think created the chaos?”
A LAW TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF LAWYERS:
- Any person with a valid State shooters licence may also hunt and harvest lawyers for recreational and sporting purposes.
- Taking of lawyers with traps is permitted. The use of Australian currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
- The wilful killing of lawyers with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If a lawyer is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead lawyer should be removed to the side of the road and the vehicle must proceed to the nearest car wash.
- It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest lawyers from a power boat, helicopter or fixed wing aircraft.
- It is unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance” or “free scotch” for the purpose of trapping lawyers.
- It is unlawful to hunt lawyers within 100m of BMW, Porche or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
- It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200m of Court Houses, Law Libraries, health clubs, golf clubs or hospitals.
- If a lawyer gains elected office, it is not necessary to have a licence to hunt, trap or possess same.
- It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, drug dealer, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, book maker or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting lawyers.
- Stuffed or mounted lawyers must have a health department inspection for rabies and vermin.
